2005-05-19
My Waking Life
It�s funny because when we hung up I felt as if I had said absolutely everything to you, but thoughts continue to fly out. This must be the day�the day. I feel as if�this past week has been filled with so many epiphanies and different ideas circling throughout, but they�ve always been in the back of my mind. It�s just now that they�re surfacing and I�m becoming aware of what�s actually there.
And I�m pretty happy that we had that conversation, because briefly I think that we took ourselves and lifted ourselves from that generic �male� vs. �female� or boyfriend vs. girlfriend point of view and just rose to the level of human vs. human. I rather liked that�and it�s really meant a lot.
You mentioned us not having those experiences together and I don�t know how you perceive things, but our time together is an experience. Interactions with other humans are interactions, no matter what�and they all have to have some sort of outcome, you know? It�s just that, I guess, the process is what we�re not used to and we�re judging based on the process. So your process is�physically being with someone, as in, physically interacting with them�whereas mine is just another level of interaction. It�s like, an abstract sort of interaction where I don�t have to feel you or smell you, but I can appreciate your thoughts and grow with you. I don�t know if the lack of physical contact detracts from the dynamics of the relationship�I mean, I don�t think it makes it static. It couldn�t be static.
I continue to wonder, and it�s such a pressing question and I know that there may not be an answer, but I still have to ask your perception on things. Do you learn from me? Have you ever seen yourself reflected in me? It�s an obsession with me right now, I know�I remember you being a reflection of myself when I first met you. And it was fleeting, but if you understand me (fuck, what do I mean by �understand�?)�if you understand me, then I must not be understanding you. It�s a tragic flaw. It�s the problem.
I want to know that I can understand you, as a human. Right now, I couldn�t care less if you were my boyfriend or my husband or my lover�it�s all about the human relationship. I need for it to be so that we�re both on the same level, and we need to see each other as humans. It can�t just be sex. Sex is so superficial and it�s the mere physical. What about sex on the inside? However funny it sounds�what about sex on the inside where you undress in front of the other person emotionally? I think we were really closer to reaching that . None of this makes sense right now, and I�m typing fast�again�like that other night just so that you can capture some of it.
Because I�m just expressing the desire to find out certain things�and to just talk to you. And now I just realized what you usually say�because if a relationship ends, the skeleton doesn�t, and I guess that becomes the friendship. I feel as if I�m the one who completely ignores you and your emotions and not the other way around. Perhaps I get dissatisfied on occasion because I�m the guilty party. And I�m wondering�where do I start with you?
There�s some ground to break, and I do think it�s time�I mean, I definitely feel like it�s time for you and me to dig deeper into each other and to understand our backgrounds and to know our past lives and all that other stuff. Yes, slowly�I know that. But it has to start now, don�t you think? I need to make clear the fact that I don�t want to just be your girlfriend�and that being your girlfriend and lover is a side thing. We need to be friends. Does this sound horrible and corny? I�m sorry if it does�I�m sorry if it�s long.
I am so stupid to complain. Who cares about weight and beauty? I don�t care about that crap right now�because it doesn�t make me. I wish I could give you a glimpse of the person I was two years ago, and maybe you saw some of that person when you fell in love with me.
I wish you could tell me how it happened�how you fell in love with me�
I guess I can tell you that I�m an optimist�I�m an idealist�I do like life. Yes, I like people. I�m spontaneous�it�s why I call you at bad times. Because it�s all spontaneous and not planned.
I don�t know�I love you and I must type until I get tired because you need to know about these little moments. It�s what makes me human�it�s what makes your girlfriend human and not just a voice or a thought or an idea.
What�s going on? I wish I didn�t know you and I could run into to you and shake your hand and talk over coffee. I wish that momentarily, you were the stranger sitting across from me, and that I could wonder at your life and at you. But I do wonder at you, and I wonder if you wonder at me too. Can�t we just pretend like it�s the first time talking? I need that and you do too.
Oh damn I hope this made sense!
I love you,
--Libet