fuck it

Not going to class puts me in a very odd sort of state, where I would spend the entire day simply doing nothing...but of course, I will try my best to steer clear from that.

I've been in a real slump lately, as if that were a sort of surprise. My moods are usually unprecedented, and unwelcomed. It's quite true that I become obsessed with things and tire of them just as quickly. I do it with friendships, too. I oftentimes wonder if my reaction (or, lack thereof) to things is normal. Is it humanly possible to be this selfish and self-absorbed?

After all, the main reason why I stopped group therapy is because I feel uncomfortable hearing about other people. Yes, I want others to listen and consider my problems...but unless it's got to do with me, my best is never good enough. And I really try...

There have been exceptions, however...that, I will recognize. There have been people who phrase their words in such a way that I am found captivated. Or perhaps...I know it well enough to identify.

My therapist tells me to be honest, and if I were honest, this diary would be another angsty teen blog.

I college life precisely because I am not in control of everything. Let me rephrase: I enjoy the academic life--absolutely despise communal life.

Jake and I went to the hospital this morning so that I could go to the psychiatric wing, and I told him that I was nervous walking through the hallway without my mom.

The sterile smell made me nervous, too, and those are things that lure me into an anxiety attack, which, I do have often. Lately, I've been getting more and more nervous.

I'm afraid of going outside and actually facing people. I alienate my friends because I dread the thought of having dinner and being asked questions.

Is it me or is it school?

There is something so inherently wrong with me, that I can't perform usual functions. So, how do I get out of it?

I can't rely on pills my entire life and admitting that I'm a neurotic fuck won't do it, either.

Either that, or I simply have nothing good to read.

aeka at 1:32 p.m.