I hope that you're happy--you really deserve it...

My last entry was aimed at one person in particular, I must say--and I cannot say that it depicts this generation 100% accurately.
And it's always wonderful to know that still, there are those who don't easily sell themselves--that puts me at rest.

Sometimes I wonder at my own progress and if I'm even whole enough to begin another relationship. The truth is that I probably won't be for a while--I'm still hurt by a lot of things and even this new life feels out of place. And even when I think of Kurt and smile and forget, reality still persists.

I've a lot to work on, I suppose...and I still cannot figure out if I'm pretty or half-way pretty or funny or sarcastic or intelligent or marginally witty--and thinking like this makes me feel like a commodity. Since sixth grade I've been attempting to put some sort of value on myself to measure my worth in different areas.

So I do things sometimes that are quite obsessive. I purchase a large quantity of overpriced hair products and get my hair cut and styled in a very specific way; I'll become obsessed with skin health and sometimes even exfoliate up to five times a daily. So I suppose I'm somewhat high maintenance in the way I behave, not just with my skin and hair, but same goes for my weight (which I've managed to keep at a solid 108 lbs.), teeth (which are quite straight, despite my never having used braces), nails...

I'm beginning to wonder if this obsession comes from me trying to compensate for something else, namely, my flailing self-esteem. The astronomical standards I set for myself perhaps keep me from enjoying life and what's worse--they keep me from accepting myself.

I've always thought that after a soul-killing break-up, one eventually heals and moves on and perhaps all of these thoughts moving through my head are simply there because I really am healing.

It's foreign to me--the idea of one day waking up and not feeling even the slightest pain or regret or even doubt. I wonder if that day will come...and, when.

aeka at 12:16 p.m.