2005-12-03
Red Elephant
I'm typing out a new entry whilst listening to Sunny Day Real Estate's "pink" record. It's beautiful and Enigk's voice is romantic and ethereal.
Snow falls silently outside, into the brown river and amongst faded tree-branches. The ground is covered in white powder, and there is no color, save for the tall cedars.
It's uncanny how even the smallest things, such as snow, can trigger the most profound memories. Sometimes I wonder aloud and ask myself about all the things that have occurred in my life.
Methinks that behind everything, I'm just a sensitive, hopelessly-romantic 19 year old. I was thinking the other day, that if ever I was to love again, I would have to be certain--hands-down and absolutely.
Settling is criminal.
I wouldn't have to ask him to listen to Tristeese. He'd know how special it is to me, all the memories tied to it.
He'd understand that when I'm being whimsical, it's not simply for the sake of being "silly", but rather, because deep-down, I'm utterly heart-shattered.
He would know what glimmering sunlight on Italian rooftops means to me.
He'd understand the joys that good tea brings to me. Or the smell of old books as I like to flip the pages, right in the bookstore.
He'd know about breeze-filled summer days, and scented gardens and the feel of the cool grass underneath my feet. There'd be an understanding, because we'd both know that these are the few and precious moments when we catch the gold of childhood. All the bad things that come with adulthood are gone, and we're kids again, collecting rocks and pine cones.
He'd know my stories--past and present. Probably because I would have told him under silent stars, with ocean mist pushing against our faces...
But for now all I have is my book. I don't know what I want to do with it, but I do know that I want to create this and finish. More importantly than finishing, are each characters' stories.
The beauty of despair.
The silent regret of aging.
The breathlessness, wonder, and anguish of certain moments in life.
The snow gets heavier outside, and I have to be at the library shortly to finish work.