2005-07-15

Eu Dahria Minya Vida

"The truth is...I like you--let's just date and see where it all takes us. Well, I mean, right now we're not even in the same state, but we'll be at the same university--"

"I know." I sighed--dreamily, philosophically, almost disappointingly. I imagined him on the other line, with his heart pounding-exploding so hard inside his chest while telling me this. A feeling he could no longer hold, even behind his calm dark stare and perfect smile. His composed demeanor, even as he plays the piano...nothing ever reveals his true emotion and I teased him that it was the Korean side of him coming out. He chuckled--he likes to laugh.

I began to stammer, though I knew that from the moment we'd met, face to face, there was something there.

"I still love him," I said, almost pleadingly.

"Does he love you back? He can't...damn it--he can't even make a decision and stick with it! If he says he loves you so much, then why can't he show it? Would it take so much out of him to just show it?"

And right there, though I didn't want to admit it--even to myself--I knew that Andrew is the better option.

We've made plans already--NYC in the fall and snowboarding in winter. From the beginning, Al always voiced his desire to "take care" of me--never hurting me or, in fact, taking me for granted.

Sadly, words mean nothing without action.

All those syrupy-sweet, acutely bitter memories drip down and collect into the teacups and vases lying around in my room--not dusted--and in some ways, they're with me--as jury, as witnesses--to the decisions I make each night--to the twist and turns of my heart.

I sigh and glance through pictures. I compare and walk and pace around nervously.

But this is about more than just the two of them: one doesn't deserve me. At one point, and because I do have enough love to give to millions, I swore that he did.

It becomes intensely difficult for me to admit that I made a mistake.

"I'll be patient. It doesn't matter how long it takes, I can simply do work in the meantime--I suppose that biomedical engineering majors have a lot of work. I'll be kept quite occupied." He tried to speak cheerfully, attempting to make me laugh. I chuckled. My heart felt at ease with him.

"Are you sure?" I asked, "This is me you want to date."

"It feels different with you--everything does."

aeka at 9:08 a.m.