2005-03-28
Rainy-Day Rhapsody
I dreamt of rain last night�of the coolness and fog falling down from the sky. I dreamt of rolling clouds of pink dust right above my head, and closing my eyes and feeling the wet grass under my feet.
Maybe a human being can dive for miles under a black ocean and never once die, and all we feel is the pressure pushing against our bodies and compressing us into smaller bits.
I hate the mornings that bring torrents of rain with them. I woke up early and heard the gusts of wind and water against my windowsill, forming a violent rhapsody, and I fell asleep. My room gets dark at around this time, and mornings are always quiet�and it seems as though each morning, we�re all granted fresh opportunities to do something new and good.
Heartbroken, blurry-eyed mornings are the worst. In sleeping, everything seems to go away and our spirits fly out of us, sitting on clouds in the rose-filled orchards of midnight�we can see ourselves from the outside, looking in through glass. But in waking up we remember everything and hearts shatter to dust once more and warm tears come out and our pillows and cheeks become stained. I wonder sometimes, how something imaginary and intangible can hurt so much.
My heart hurts.
Sometimes, I feel as if I cannot handle leaving home. Right now, I can�t handle it and I�m falling into this relapse and if I don�t do something really soon it�ll get worse. I probably need to see a doctor again, and I probably need to resume taking my �uppers�, but I also need to know that I can do these things by myself and without outside help.
And I write this, expecting someone to understand how deeply I am in love, but no one will probably know. There�s a shortness of breath, and a deep, thick syrup of pain that slowly runs through the hole inside my heart�that�s love.
And there�s also a fear in knowing that this is it and there is no surviving this one. Things like these can debilitate us, emotionally�and we�re scarred, building up our paranoia. I�m paranoid and insecure�so what? It�s normal, right? I have a fear of getting untangled and unglued like I did with Roger.
But I�ve always held back�even before falling in love for the first time. There�s always been this underlying fear, and need to self-protect. To love wholeheartedly is commit a crime against one�s soul�it�s unheard of and foolish, isn�t it?
It�s quite sad that there�s something holding me back�always, and I can�t control it. And I wonder what the point is, if holding back will never make any feelings go away�
My heart hurts very much, and I�m certainly not ashamed of it.