2005-01-30
The Path of rightousness
I am sitting here tonight, wondering over the state of some things--how...much disrespect we seem to have for even the faintest idea of maintaining principles.
And, yes, I am criticized for turning toward the path of "rightousness", "morality", and "monogamy"...but...is there truly something wrong with that?
Because, as alluring and sexy as it is to be fucked senseless by the nameless stranger in an A&F fitting room...we cannot always live our lives like this.
Please do explain the words "wicked" and "sexy" to me...and, why we have to strive for some overglammed--and essentially meaningless--lifestyle when everything that could possibly make us happy is around us.
Because life is about feeling--about summer afternoons on Tuesdays--mildly humid--and you're walking past the library--thin-cobbled streets--and you swear you could taste the breeze...and Pavarotti sings inside your ear. Life is about compassion...and perhaps, on one silent-golden dusk realizing that...you're not truly human until you can feel, damn it.
And this is why we connect with words--music...this is why you cannot help but weep whilst reading Lorca, or carry that heavy ironed melancholy after a brilliant Oates novel.
Because we feel. Because life happens. We're human and we oftentimes have the urge to...create! And not just create, damn it! But...to stretch out our arms toward the flickering, ever-smoldering white milkshake of stars on winter nights...and see the possibilities that lay ahead.
We see those even before we develop a clear notion of what is ahead in this life. But as humans...we need to accept:
That we fall in love...and loving means that one's heart makes promise never to...hurt that other person.
So, no...I am not a "...victim of useless attitudes...", but rather, a human being who has perhaps done a very extraordinary thing: fallen classically in love...with another human being.
And...when one claims to have loved deeply, shouldn't they understand?
Should they not understand that from the very minute that our eyes open to greet the morning gray, we think and smile of that other person...or, that the small mosaic is finally complete.
So...when you love someone and claim it is true love...and you become one of those people you never thought you'd be--walking in the rain, not minding the cold and wetness. Or, pondering the circumstances of the "first encounter"...when you become one of those people, it's done.
I don't know what will happen. I've laid back in Al's arms and we've talked nonsense about some imaginary house whose address we do not know, and some imaginary kids whom we have not even met--sometimes.
But...without principle and morality and rightousness, or whatever one may call it...without those things...
Without those things I could not even so much as look at him straight in the eyes and say, "I love you". Because without my heart carrying out promises, long ago whispered, of "I will never hurt you..." then, I am a charlatan.
Because...when you say you're in love, and mean it, those utterly empty words--"wicked" and "sexy"--lay meaningless in their tombs of dried leaves and never-carried-out promises.
It doesn't matter what you do with your life, because you only see them by your side...and now, it doesn't matter, because I only see him by my side.
And for those who love and are faithful to those they love, then...you have my admiration.