2004-05-31
Re-looking at things
The past two days have been quite lethargic. My head hurts, which signals that perhaps I should now go to get a new prescription for my eyes. Regarding him, I keep missing him, but it seems as if things are getting back to normal for me.
I have had some trouble going to sleep for the past few nights--I sit there trying to do anything that will occupy my time. After looking at my clock and seeing that it is almost 12:00 a.m., I finally force myself to put my head down on a pillow. Only, I'm not tired, because I don't fall asleep right away. The next day I wake up and can hardly function without a nap. These are cases (however small) that are detrimental to my health. Yesterday--at some hesitance--I bought some sleeping pills that were said to be non-addictive.
After what seemed like one hour after taking them, I began to feel this groggy sensation mixed with extreme irritability at any small noise (while buying the pills, I was going to go for small earplugs). I slept, but it wasn't the sleep that I expected, because I woke up at around eight, and feeling this sensation as if I were extremely drugged. I assumed that the effects of the sleeping pill still lingered in my body.
But I am trying, and this, I promise. I am hoping--sometimes I count on it--that the trip to Georgetown--while academically rigorous--will help understand myself once more. Perhaps I am not looking to understand myself, but to find what I lost.
I pay attention to small details that make my life complete and make me--as a person--feel satisfied. Simple things like waking up and feeling like you have energy, or just feeling bliss. It's that underlying feeling, the one you're not consciously aware of, that your life has meaning.
I suppose that my life does have meaning--apply to Rochester, and not to mention the few people that make my life rich (I'm sure these friends know who they are...Vin), and how can I forget Liz, who's always so sweet and leaves me a note everytime she reads one of my melancholic entries? If I think about it, I don't lack that much on the emotional scale. I believe that my problem is that I put so much focus into my work that I completely forget to pay attention to the emotional factors.