2004-05-29

Blink

This may very well be another desperate cry. I woke up--frozen inside. I despise that feeling. This is utter regret, yet it cannot be helped.

The soft music box plays in the background as two bloood-dried feet dance about--stepping on the creeking wooden floors. The frail and pale body wants to collapse, yet--despite the imponderable frailty--it can't. I am stuck in my island of uncertainty and despair. There are now words forbidden to mouthe, for once I do, it's all over. My world crumbles once more into gray ashes and the pain will not be beautiful, but tormentful. It is so much, unable to be endured...I am forever like an alchemist aiming towards some unreachable goal. My objective, my endeavor that my entire self craves even more than itself is to make this soul and heart of mine impregnable.

The iciness is the most profound feeling of dread--ominous. I feel like a lonely corpse underneath so much live earth. My breathing is no longer steady as I try to suppress my tears, mutter through my teeth "I promise that I would get better", yet I realize that I might never get better--not without medical attention.

What has happened? It wasn't just, how my intact world just crumbled. It angers me, because the little happiness and complacency that I had were taken from me. In a heartbeat, in a blink. I blink, and I see myself dancing. I blink, and I see myself crumble. I blink, and then there's the infinite and painful sea of desperation.

aeka at 2:12 a.m.