2004-05-09
Under this world
How often must we scramble through life to have our hands pick up the broken glass pieces?
Sun-filled horizons are far to wide for this to be it--I refuse to settle. Something that I crafted perfectly five years ago now sits staggering and drying up like some lonely raisin in the sun.
Instances dominated by one particular song, life dominated by one particular path, feelings dominated by one particular ghost--I welcome enlightenment at any time.
A pitiful carousel that spins endlessly, but circles lead to no where. A being much too complex can never be wholly satisfied, and I am beginning to think that youth truly is wasted on the young such as myself.
Perhaps I still think that twenty years from now, I will wake up in the same bed wearing the same youthful countenance. Slowly, life slips from me, and I attempt to know whether or not I waste too much of it--in anguish, in tears, in hate, in depression...all things that may feed talent, yet deprive me of a happy existence.
I too am awoken by ghastly whispers in the middle of the night, luring me to panic, luring me to release steel trickles of sweat,luring me into insanity. I begin to wonder whether or not I should even make the attempt towards happiness--normal once more, but what is normal?
I fully know the things that depress me, but I have never even made the attempt to figure out what makes me happy. I have never left those long hours of contemplation behind, nor those walks through fog, pain-filled hours, thoughts of--that attempt, to find--a happier existence. The very things that define my being swirl past me everyday, but so difficult is the struggle...
I stumble through my cloud of hazed sleep--ephemeral meanings that dreams tend to leave, struggle to catch one, and ultimately fail.
Sunshine through trees mouthing long-dead words, and suddenly--for no reason, simply out of no where--being hit by the realization that no one can help me now...
The gaze moves far back until you are only a spot, and everything ceases to be over.
I am the worse of human beings, and I am also the best--yet--at the end, you still have no clue what this fucking entry was about, do you?