2004-03-14
A new face
Four candles were lit, and the scentless wax slowly burned with the gentle glowing flames. It's different when you look at yourself through candlelight--amazingly different. If you tilt your face a certain way, different shadows appear in certain areas of your face--under your eyes, and sometimes below your chin.
Last night, I must have spent one hour looking at myself like that. I couldn't help it, it was seeing my face for a long time and really studying it. Vanity is a meaningless indulgence which I do not like to partake in...but I couldn't help it. Many times I pass by mirrors and I can't even look up for fear of seeing those two black eyes stare back at me--two cold black eyes with a glimmer of silver that shines through their depth.
It was a fascination, because never before had I seen my face change in such a way--softened to the point where it was almost angelic--almost. Were I to have any other face, my dear readers, I would love it just as much.
The beauty that I saw in my face was not purely physical. For the first time I saw my soul manifest itself through my physical appearance...the ink of the quill ran over and covered everthing with its majestic darkness. Does Vin understand what it is that I am trying to say? She usually does...I know you understand--somehow.
Writing is no longer what I do, it has now become who I am. Now I begin to think of Thoreau, and I can truly say that never before have I had so great a teacher...a dead writer, who, through his words taught my soul how to fully express itself. My diary is peppered with tribute to Thoreau, and that is because I recognize greatness, but not so much greatness as the attempt at it.