2004-01-26

Time is but a stream

I completely forgot that I took some pills when I got home, so I had a glass of wine. I only hope that nothing grave happens to me later on in the day--even if I am starting to feel a bit dizzy.

I try not to drink on a regular or weekly basis, but this has just been one of those days.

I received my paper for the character review for the Crucible, and I got a 68 out of a 100. However, despite the fact that I got a "D" on the paper, the teacher put a quaint smiley face on the cover sheet and commended me for my eloquence, but I suppose that my radical viewpoint was too much for her. I understand, just don't try to take it all in at once...

I have been spending time with this guy during lunch for the past two weeks now, yet I do not know his name. I met him through Nancy, and he's a great conversationalist, but I fail to know his name.

I went jogging yesterday, seeing as how I had so much energy to spare. I am excessively fond of the wind blowing through the trees, and the fall watercolors which dampen the small and dry leaves with their softness. The forest is so amazingly quiet, that for a moment, one forgets all of their worries. Many a times I took long walks through there, but of course, that was during my depression--I was only suffering from mild depression.

This is now day one of making the attempt to kick Aaron out of my life completely. We have certainly had great laughs with the "let's get high on pot and go to a physics lab." or the "let's go and watch gay porn." I think that that's what I will miss the most--the fact that in one way or another, I took comfort in him when Roger left. This is just a random thought, but I do wonder what has become of Roger. Sometimes I wonder if he even has slight thoughts of me from time to time, you know the whole, "Abigail, I have thought of you softly from time to time"--John Proctor, The Crucible.

Really, I am curious. I think that now is the time to confess something that I had hitherto not revealed neither to Vin nor Sophia. It is not because I wanted to be vile and keep the truth from them, but it was because I didn't want neither of them to develop any strong feelings of antagonism for him. The last time I spoke with him, September 22 I believe, our conversation had drifted into that of science (as a career--Roger hates science, unlike Aaron of course) and he had told me that he met a girl. Yes, I know that people are entitled to meet other people everyday, but he spoke of her as I speak of Aaron. Therefore, I can only guess that some sort of a romantic relationship developed out of that--and no, Roger does not have female friends.

Whatever may happen in that dreadful love department, I take great pleasure in reminding myself that I am only seventeen (soon to turn eighteen--bliss)and that relationships are not supposed to work so smoothly at my age. They are for experimental purposes if anything. By the way, I saw Paul today. How could I not recognize the thin kid with blonde disheveled hair holding a skateboard in his right hand? Just so everyone knows, Paul is one of the most caring male friends that I have ever had. When I was agonizing over Roger, it was he who brought me icecream and let me blow my pitiful nose on his hanky.

For the remainder of the week, I will continue being as charming as always, and I will forever continue to wonder whether or not I will one day have an illicit lover--an aspiration of mine.

"Time is but a stream I go a-fishing in. I drink at it; but while I drink I see the sandy bottom and detect how shallow it is. Its thin current slides away, but eternity remains. I would drink deeper; fish in the sky, whose bottom is pebbly with stars. I cannot count one."--Henry David thoreau

I understand this quote now--after all this time, I understand it. "Time is but a stream I go a-fishing in..."

He is saying that he merely lives out his life through time, and that he is only a pawn.

"I drink at it; but while I drink I see the sandy bottom and detect how shallow it is. Its thin current slides away, but eternity remains."

Here, he says that while he may make the attempt to live life to the fullest, he will see that it is nothing in comparison to the vastness of time, and the vastness of life. Any attempts at trying to take all of life's worth are futile, and the actions taken are relatively miniscule. While time passes rapidly, it is still infinite.

"I would drink deeper; fish in the sky, whose bottom is pebbly with stars. I cannot count one."

He could try and enjoy life more, and go and look for substitutes that provide him with infinite pleasure and fulfillment. However, that is not reality.

aeka at 9:04 p.m.