2004-01-20
Life in a glass
Relief is today's proper adjective to describe my current emotion, the only thing is that I have another one of those splitting headaches--hey, maybe it's a tumor ::laughs nervously::
There is only one reason why I feel relieved--Gothic Prince.
I didn't see him at all today (and no, he was not absent). My plan is, that if I keep this up long enough, I will be forced to forget about him and move onto somewhere else.
Ok, his three minutes of fame on my diary are up! Let's move on to more important things. There's something that is bothering me, but I can't quite put my thoughts together in order to trace the root of the problem. I know that generally, I'm getting fed up with people that surround me on a day-to-day basis. In all honesty, the people in my AP class are ignorant and vile. They make these witty off-handed comments about minorities, and as one of the two minorities in there, what can I do but pretend that I do not hear and look down at my book? Usually, this kind of stuff does not bother me, because I realize that they are just people. People will be ignorant, and they will make mistakes....and, I am no exception.
Remember that DBQ essay I was so proud of? Well, you know what? I won't talk about it today, it will only upset me...
Next thing, I have to take the "entrance" exam to the AP English class, and while I have confidence in myself, I know how nervous I get.
By the way, that insatiable thirst, interminable and passionate energy that I used to have in ninth grade, where is it gone now? Right now, I can't go one week (count it--one) where I don't get another one of these splitting headaches, and frankly, I am getting very vexed. I used to have so much energy, and that's the energy that I need now--exactly one year away from college, six months away from SATs, and one week away from my next pre-calculus exam. The bridge that I spoke about in one of my previous entries, I guess that you could say it has sentimental value. When the leaves swirled by in winter, I felt like Raskolnikov from Crime and Punishment. Other times I would think the other issues surrounding my own life. Either way, years have passed, and the bridge has been there--idle and constant. I'm leaving soon, and I guarantee that the bridge will still be there. I wish that there were something whose power was omnipresent, and could capture all of life's moments. Just put everything in a crystal ball and mute it. I could watch myself as the seasons change. Most of these days, my general mood has been that of apprehension, and perhaps it's because I have been giving too much thought into the processes of life. I think to myself the next time that I will have to spill tears, and the next time that I will be haunted by someone's shadow upon my heart. I want so much to enjoy life, but there is something holding me back sometimes. Maybe this is why it is so important that I forget about Gothic Prince, because once I forget about him (my only hindrance) I will have it all once more.