2003-12-16
I'm dying: Part II
It is paramount that I write in my diary today. I now have enough reason to be concerned about myself. Usually I think that I'm healthy, but I suppose that I better revise that theory when I cringe in fourth period over an unbearable headache, or when I cry for no reason whatsoever. About two or three months ago, I was reading about sleep debt in this magazine, and I disctinctly remember the article stating that too much sleep debt does actually take a toll on one's emotional state.
Last night I was desperately trying to finish up some work, and so I was typing on the computer. I know that I ate yesterday--real food. I suddenly start getting dizzy and sweating. I have this nauseating feeling and start breathing a bit heavier than usual. All of a sudden I start crying--I don't know why (I really have no reason to cry), but it is as if my body needed it. I needed to cry to release all of the built-in stress. So, I'm not at school today, and I hate missing school in so short a time before the final exams, but I have to. This isn't a question of, "I'll get it done later on.." the fact is that I have hit rock bottom, and in order for me to regain my health is going to take some long-term efforts. Psychologically, I'm fucked, and I know that. I never used to act to unpredictable and dramatic. I get angry one moment and turn around and I'm suddenly fine. I snapped at David yesterday, even though I tried my best to keep my tone of voice at a normal, but it was still noticeable. This isn't right, and I have got to put an end to this.
I missed mock trial again yesterday, but had I gone, things would have been worse. I have to finish up my forensics report and study for my physics, chemistry, and history finals. To be honest, I'm only unhappy and depressed when I don't get enough sleep, afterwards I'm fine. I am really going to make an uncompromised effort to keep stress at a minimum for the rest of the week, because I know that it will help me in the final exams. This is really one of the most trying periods that I have ever faced in my young adult life. But hey, if I survived a communist regime, I can handle this.
For all of those who are reading, or have just stopped by to browse at my diary, allow me to brag--Vin got a perfect score on her verbal/writing section of the SAT's! lol...I'm so proud...::tear::