2003-11-28
-Thanksgiving Blues
Well, I feel inclined to write about my Thanksgiving experience last night, and my close and dangerous encounter with having a "good soul". We were all around the table (not all of us, my grandmother, aunt, and my immediate family--the rest of my family is coming down today ::groans::) my grandmother leads a prayer (it's the Our Father prayer from the rosary--yes, I am Catholic). Of course, that is not the point, the point is that I haven't prayed with my rosary for a number of months now, and the last time I did I didn't even finish (I took the shortcut like Paul usually does). I suppose that something struck me about that prayer, or perhaps it is because I heard it again, but for one instant I believed in God again. Perhaps it is because of my grandmother's old voice that compels one to rever the prayer, but I felt Catholic again. Afterwards I went to read some book on philosophy and snapped out of it. Many people toss out their religion without the internal turmoil, but not me. I suppose that if I were a Hasidic Jew who was throwing out her religion my turmoil and guilt would be worse. Of course, I don't have the heart to get up and leave in front of dinner and tell my grandmother and the rest of my family that I denounce the Catholic religion and all of its decadence. When I go to college, I will be a heathen. When I return for summer of Christmas, I will be Catholic. I just don't understand, this religion is incredibaly elaborate in its rituals, and no one has the valor to stand up in front of mass and ask the priest why his robe has gold trimmings and what not.