2005-04-23
Re-evaluation
I carry around Starbuck's espresso and cream double-shot cans in my purse just to make it through the day. Without reaching my peak of anger and insanity in front of people, that is.
My life is The Fall of Warsaw--it's intense and painfully bitter at times. Fine, not bitter...melodramatic. Thickly melodramatic--it's Bustelo melodramatic.
Pierce composed a piece that is, in my opinion (and because I gave the last word) "Chopinesque". Ben just became the C.E.O. of his own non-profit company (Mobilized Youth) and showed me the "articles of a corporation" yesterday afternoon. And I have to convince myself that I want to get up each morning.
This isn't the cookie-cutter teen angst shit that I'm pulling. I'm not depressed...but I am a grump. My optimism slouches and creeps about like a terrible, yellow bile. And apathy becomes the sick-spotted goldfish swimming around inside, and I start to drag behind and not do what I'm supposed to do.
I need to keep it together. At least there's one thing of which I am certain: I will not be unfaithful. A disappointment, I know, to some...but it should be made clear--to those who've been speculating--that I can meet a thousand guys...but my boyfriend will remain the only one.
Last weekend was silly--school-girl stuff. The giggle-giggle I've got his number kind of shit, but nothing I'd trade for Ali.