2005-04-05
About the Author
I am at a loss for words at the moment. I haven't been able to update due to my lack of time.
After we finished Hamlet, we made a vow that we never wanted to read or see the play again until the AP Exam. Instead of having us do our usual data sheets with reports (blah) attached, she gave us free reign over our projects.
Pierce did a musical and composed something on his bass, while another group got together and created the delightful, but sharply sarcastic children's book: Hamlet Fo' the Chillins. In this book, Claudius was played by William Shatner...
I decided on converting the entire play into prose--I made it into a modern-day prose novel. I finished it and handed it in, but...I had to present it in front of the class first.
It's the mandatory "this is my project", show/tell sort of thing. I didn't mind though. The idea was fresh, and good. I certainly didn't allow myself to do some half-ass job on this. I wanted the novel to be real.
So the class shouted and said that they wanted me to read it. Now, keep in mind that I have never workshopped anything in class. I don't consider myself a writer--not really. And I don't take kindly to other clowns telling me what to write and how I should go about it...and whose fuckin' toes I shouldn't be stepping on, 'cause that'll get you a swift kick in the ass in my book.
I write, that's true...but I also think that some people take the shit too seriously...to the point where they begin to offend others. And because my objective in life is to never become one of those asshats, I don't want to publish. Well, it's never truly been my intention. I'm happy in knowing that people like what I write and relate to it.
However, after reading the manuscript, something strange happened. There I sat in the middle of the AP Lit./Comp. class and surrounded by other students and I read. I gave my characters the voices and the life that I know they're supposed to have. And they loved it. They laughed hysterically...but what I appreciated the most was that they analyzed it.
I like it when people analyze my work. I like being violated. (sidenote: Pierce referred to Mr. Brocklehurst as a sadist)
Well, the last part was pure facetiousness. It's not a violation...in fact, it's a complement and an honor that someone pays enough attention and cares enough to point out the fine details of your work.
Lauren commented on the imagery--not my usual flowery imagery: sharp, in-your-face, I'm breathing this shit, kind of imagery. "You feel lost in this cloud and in a trance, and suddenly jerked back to reality by the characters' sharp comments" and I quote.
Ethan (James Joyce reincarnate) said that I reminded him of Tennessee Williams--the way things are placed and worded and how everything falls together.
I'm surprised. I am aware that I'm not bad...but I never thought that I was good. I work at it, like everyone else and it's like a craft--half-art, half-craft. It's like one of the shirts you get that's made of numerous materials and you're disappointed that it's not pure, but the fabric feels good anyway.
She pulled me aside and asked me if I would consider publishing. So I met after with her to discuss the possibilities, because her husband has already published enough things.
Holy shit! She's the toughest English professor in the school (yes, she did study at Harvard) and she's asking me if I'd consider publishing. Because for years now, I've only been hearing about my flaws and suddenly I write this story and completely and utterly expose myself (and I knew the risks of writing) and get this huge moment of glory that was only supposed to last first block and now I'm going to read it to the "AP group" in the county, which I guess includes the enigmatic Dr. Schleiffer.
And I was thinking about this yesterday afternoon, because she's seriously asked me to consider it. And I will. But I keep chuckling at the fact that I'm not even 21 and I could be publishing a novel.
But I have this fear of publishing...I won't publish something unless it's good, and the only person who decides that aren't the group of Big Editors...just me.
There's a sea of legalities to work through, and obviously I'll change the character names--maybe--because there are snippets in which the characters quote from "The Waste Land".
Sidenote: We're doing "The Waste Land", by the way...it'll be our last timed-writing/analysis before the exam.
My conflicts with publishing and making money out of writing are...purely emotional. I called Al and asked him to write me a forward for it. After all, it is dedicated to him. Yes, I've worked really hard on it and goddamnit I've put everything I've got there. But can I publish?
My fear is to one day wake up and find out I've been living a lie and thinking myself talented when in all reality I possess no talent.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I like the effect it can have on people. I like having the power to make people stop and think. To make people insanely happy or laugh hysterically or get so angry they'll cry and piss their pants.
I like knowing that I'm like God, and I create worlds and characters and mold everything my young heart knows into something...substantial? No...tangible? Maybe. Yeah, that's probably the word. Tangible.
It's the power to bring characters to life and to make people imagine what they're reading. It's like punching them in the face with an invisible fist and saying, "Hey! Wake up!"
If I decide to publish, the book probably won't even be out until a year to two years from now.