2005-02-27
Dreaming
This entire weekend has been busy. Yet, I cannot be one to complain, especially when the fact is that I chose to be in this position. Though, I must admit that I expected more help with National Honor Society--does the president truly have to do everything?
What's worse is that the Saturday/Sunday weather has been nothing short of deplorable. It's the kind of weather that stirs the mind and reopens old wounds. I feel saddened by so much...mostly, I just miss Al.
Truth be known, that I love him---deeply; yet, I cannot endure this distance. I've been trying to calm myself and say it's the weather. Yet, this isn't the first time...I go through "attacks" where I suffocate and can't find the right answer to anything.
When everything feels like it's too much and far too heavy. However, we seem to be far more resilient than we ever give ourselves credit for. At least, I've proven to be.
I need to be free sometimes. Escaping to the highest mountain and screaming: letting the high pitch of my scream lacerate through the thick, mountain fog. Fall back...and continue falling. Just like in those dreams I used to have when I was little--I'd fall, and fall, and fall...and my muscles would stiffen and I would wake up in a sweat before I ever hit the ground.
To become lost in absolute nothingness and hear the haunting echos of dripping water.
I need him now, but I couldn't even begin to tell him. Would he even know how to take care of me in the way I need to be taken care of? Does he understand me?
I've woken up screaming in the middle of the night and dampened in sweat. Al turned on a light that one time and sat up with me and said, "Are you ok, baby?"
And I just shook my head but didn't feel comforted at all.
Because perhaps...he may not be able to save me from my nightmares.