2005-01-01

New Year

My application for Georgetown University is due in February, and if I do not get it off by Monday (along with GW and Carnegie-Mellon) I shall be hanged!

I do feel vile and sick and what's worse...like an imbecil. For the year of 2004, the expectations that I once held for myself were never actually reached. As I told Raven last night, perhaps this is an excuse, but perhaps it is the truth: Roger is to blame.

My problem is that I am a perfectionist, and I am very, very anal about my work. Seeing everything swirl down the drain was...emphatically painful.

However, the dawning of this new year has left me with a vague sense of possibility and the idea that perhaps I am not a failure after all. The fact that I didn't replay last year's little episode (you will all have to speak to Sophia at LiveJournal to get the scoop on that one) must mean something...something good, methinks.

This is the year I graduate and...leave home. My father has--I hope--let go of any hopes of my majoring in engineering. I have faith that he's finally realized that...well, I'm a fucking idiot.

And just What will happen when I don't get accepted into a decent university? Reading over my essays last night, I was consumed by an overwhelming sense of self-loathing and disgust.

This should be one of the main things I work on this upcoming year--myself. Maybe make the extra effort to become an actual writer? An actual student? This may just be the year in which I burn my pseudo-intellectual card and take out the "average" card.

This may also be the year in which I stop whining to my online diary and anonymous readers who probably don't read me, anyway.

(does it not feel like there should be a comma between the "me" and "anyway"?)

This will also be the year in which I stop being to damned comma-happy.

But...for those of you who are genuinely bright and witty and possess the talents I do not...a most happy new year filled with good luck...and good wine! And great deals on Ebay! And thriving stock portfolios!

aeka at 8:31 a.m.