2004-11-14
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
I know we have never been over one another completely...
I couldn't explain what happened--what struck inside of him...whether it be my voice, the topic at hand, or him realizing that he was at the point of losing me...
These are the words I never expected from him--from anyone...
We were talking the next day and he said I love you.
My heart beats in a frenzy as I write this--I was speechless at that moment, and the only thing I wanted to do was cry, because something felt like it had been lifted from my heart--like iron-gates.
There are voices inside all our heads, but I believe there are also voices inside our hearts--they all mix together; talk together; in the end, they melt into one voice guiding us...
So he said it, and all those voices, it seemed, were saying combinations of this is it, this is real, you love him too...there was so much, my heart couldn't take it.
I laid awake that night--all night, and sobbing.
It's something so fragile, so intimate...to be so close to someone. Since we met, we've become one another's confidants and best friends; we've become lovers and silly children when together.
And now we're in love.
I could lay awake on autumn nights and ponder this situation; I could let the current of thoughts run wild, but such things would be purposeless--in the end, we allow our hearts to run in wild circles...in the end, love is love--there is no explanation. No solution.
I'll put your hand up to my heart, and kiss you..., he wrote.
I cannot help but marvel at that heart, beating inside of him--the heart that--in many ways--beats for me. Everything fascinates me now--I've met him for the first time...I remember the way he closes his eyes when he's sleeping, only to open them up and languidly gaze out at me in his post-sleep daze. Or how his eyes closed whilst kissing me...the two of us entrapped--almost lethargically--in this dream-like kiss.
Only imagining tossing tear-drops into the satin sky, tracing our dreams, each of us, with one finger, until at one point...the sketches coincide and our fingertips collide gently--we'll grab hands.
My own meagre words couldn't give life to this...feeling of all feelings. I'll allow E.E. Cummings to do the honors:
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)