2004-04-20
Reconstruction of intellect and soul
Honestly, I belive that the rich spirit is that one which is enlightened, and that is all there is so say about that. Call it a random thought, perhaps.
This marks day two of my progress, and I thus far have no complaints. I successfully finished all of my work last night, and today wrote what I hope will be a decent essay on "The Great Gatsby". It was one of those famous character analyses.
I still go to bed at night very worried and anxious, and there are so many questions rambling through my busy thoughts. I doubt whether or not I can pull this off--the AP exam. I have come to a standstill in my academic career, and I feel powerless at all my failed attempts at succeeding. There is this infinite feeling of disappointment deep within my being, and I find that the youthful kick in my step is long gone...
However, ideally cliche as this may sound, I have hope that I will be able to rise up out of this cesspool of failure. It would be dishonorable to wish for some over-simplified solution, for the greatest reward is for me to attain it myself. I imagine that one day this will be the year that will live in infamy (academically), but it will also be the year in which I discovered my own intellectual weaknesses as well as strengths. I cannot tire now, and I simply refuse to let all of my hard work and agony slip into the vast whirlwind of nothingness--absolute nothingness, or a waste of time, a simple vanity.
No, I have worked far too much. I have lost too much sleep, my body has gone far too frail, and the very essence of my being has been questioned far too many times, for me to "just give up".
And how can I forget my racing heart at waking up at ungodly hours, or my two exhausted eyes straining to make out the text. Despite the more simple-minded and passive half of me, I know somewhere, and I still hold steadfast to the conviction that I am supposed to do this. Yet, the only enemy I see here is myself, for I am the true procrastinator...and I will pay dearly for it eventually.
But how...how can I give up my procrastinating ways which impede academic mobility and destroy the very beginnings of intellectual propagation? I suppose that in order to achieve that, I will have to start out small.
Was this the south during Reconstruction?