2004-02-11
Aaron
Vin knows this already--I am weak...very very weak. I was walking out of history, and, not wanting to be plagued by an enormous amount of people, I took the backway to get to my business class. Not many people walk through there...just me, and sometimes Justin or Brienne. I have the tendency to look down sometimes as I walk, and sometimes, when I look up I see him, and my heart skips a beat. I would so much like to tell him how sorry I am that I was so cold with him, but I can't...I choke.
I was walking, and he came toward me. We stopped to talk, and I took his physics book out of his hand and started to flip through it (we have the tendency to take stuff out of each other's hands) and so he began to tell me something which is of no interest to the both of us--it's only conversation, the important thing is that I was there and so was he. Under the coming spring breeze that is intertwined with winter's cold wind...and the sunshine hitting our faces--like me, he hates the sun.
I don't even remember what he was going to say, but he put his arm around me (as was, is, and always will be his usual custom)and began to tell me something. I said something cute and witty, and he smiled, and we departed. I began to walk, and when I was quite far off, I heard someone say my name in the distance. I usually do not turn around, but this time, something compelled me to...and so I did, and there was Aaron, waving goodbye. Why he would do that, I do not know--he never does that, but his eyes no longer contained that pain that I saw last week--he was happy. His life had been renewed!
Vin says that I haven't lost him yet...but I think I have. The both of us try--we really do, but we just can't understand each other sometimes.
"You are profane...but I still like you"
I don't love him, but I am excessively fond of him--I know he would hate to hear those words...fond...he'd probably say something like, "that's it? those infinitesimal emotions?"
No, not infinitesimal, but I can't do this...it's ABSURD.
I need to stop this...what the hell have I become? Oh dear, I have become human again. Aaron makes me angry and frustrated, but he makes all of that go away upon my seeing him.
He's so eccentric! The conversations that we have...only we could understand that. When I am sitting down, all alone and quiet, he sometimes comes up behind me and just stands there...looking at me.
Vin...please tell me what to do. I feel that part of me is missing without him and I begin to get confused and I begin to think and see things that aren't there, and I just miss him. Sappy, I know, but I miss him.
I feel like sobbing and throwing a fit, but it won't come, and I can't write either...I'm just stuck.