2004-02-05
A feverish gaze
I feel so vile, so sick...I feel like dying.
I toss and turn at night, and it feels sticky and quite warm. My light cotton blanket gently falls on me, and I heave a deep sigh as another day passes by and I have yet accomplished nothing. I am beginning to think that Jared has some sort of a fetish with me--it's as if he is infatuated. I feel sick, because sometimes I wonder the type of thoughts that go through his head in regards to him and I. That's what makes me ill--it's what makes me toss and turn at night. I cannot bring myself to say it...
I fell asleep last night reading "The Catcher in the Rye", and there was a time when my eyes softly closed and I slipped into another world. I woke up and my hair was in my face, so I gently brushed it off. I felt so calm doing that.
I had Steve walk home with me today, only because I slightly enjoy his company and I was much too afraid to walk home by myself.
I miss Aaron--I really do. Maybe it's not him, maybe I just want someone to be close to me again and to press their lips against mine. To soften my character, and for the first time to make me the most vulnerable creature in existence--my life is in your hands. I must have another torment. When I used to wake up in the middle of the night, consumed by violent sobs, it made me happy in a very strange way. It gave me something to contemplate while walking home during the summer's heat.
...the youth's shoes scraped the hard concrete as he crossed old Petersburg. His hair had been disheveled, and there were dark lines under his exhausted eyes. His sticky hands gripped the wool coat, and one of his fingers searched for the tear that had been there since a few days ago. It began to snow now, and his feverish gaze couldn't make out the signs of the street. He made his way towards the V---a River and gripped onto the rusted and delicate railing. His head turned and a few beads of sweat trickled down his face while contemplating the circumstances. "I am just tired..." he whispered. With the last amount of strength he had, he heaved himself up over the frail little iron balcony and threw his enfeebled body into the river.
He slept...finally, he slept. "I am haunted by waters"