2004-01-23
A day of contemplation
I have been trying to put Aaron out of my mind, but it seems almost impossible. I promised myself that I would not waste another inch of space in this journal writing about our trivial and miniscule interactions, but that is precisely what it is that I am about to do.
After lunch, I was walking with Samantha, and he was walking out of Spanish. Because of the fact that I have decided to be a haughty and frigid bitch with him these days, I decided to get lost in the crowd and nonchalantly continue towards Business Law class. Alas! I am weak and vile! The Prince, seeing his enfeebled muse, dashes aside his platinum-blonde hair with his right hand and walks toward. I stood there frozen, and pretended to be giving my undivided attention to Sam. He comes up and embraces me, but I--not wanting to go down with out a fight--do not make eye contact with him. I acted cold and distant...I barely touched him. The feeling afterward was bitter-sweet, but I had to do it. It hurts that I should be so cold with him, and that he reciprocates my actions, then turns around and gives me his affection. We torture each other like this, but unfortunately, this is how it must continue. Why can't he hate me? Why can't he just stop talking to me and ignore me everytime that I pass by instead of going towards me with his warm smile?
damn it, I want you to hate me. Do as Roger did...
The next point that I would like to highlight are my grades--I received my report card yesterday, and my immediate reaction was to throw it under the bed.
"Experience was of no ethical value. It was merely the name men gave to their mistakes."--Sir Henry Wotton
I absolutely love that man! I am forever infatuated with his words. I must say, that if given the chance to come back as another person in this life, I would choose to be an English gentleman. I don't wholeheartedly agree with the thought, although I do believe that human beings learn from their experiences. Ideals are born from experience, every time precedents are set. People are not made to improve the world. Rather, it is a natural desire that is born from them.
I have been once again been contemplating my stance on religion--to be Roman Catholic or not to be Roman Catholic, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler to attend mass and confess my atrocious sins which I commit on an hourly basis (perhaps we should have those indulgence slips again...), or to return to my blissful period of atheism. Personally, whether there is a god or not, I just don't care....
I would write a poem today, but I am just dry of inspiration. They really should consider viagra for writers--for those days when there isn't any "inspiration", when you just can't get that damned quill to stand up.