2004-01-15
So Many Things...
And now I venture into one of those very lengthy blogs which only come around once every few months. I really do find that waiting a few days before actually writing a blog can be quite beneficial, in that it allows me a sufficient amount of time to collect my thoughts. I have many interesting things to write about in this blog, but first, let me proceed to recount my miscellaneous issues.
I have just finished the outline for the DBQ essay which I am about to write tomorrow. I am enthralled, because this is the first essay that I have been able to prepare for. Preparation for any of the previous essays have been futile attempts on my part, and ultimately I end up fidgeting around in my seat and not being able to concentrate. Right now though, I am finding that I do not always have to resort to my copious notes and my exhaustively detailed text for the answers. It seems that a genius invented "encarta online" a few years back, and that little wonder is now becoming a wonderful expedient. I feel guilty...does the AP bible allow such sins? If so, then I shall die a history sinner.
While sitting down for lunch today, I analyzed the previous state of depression which hitherto had been consuming every aspect of my young life. Hopefully, what I am about to say will not be too confusing. Here goes: the "forbidden one" ordeal was as a catalyst, or better yet, a "spark-plug". Behind it all were the past events that until now had been culminating over the many months. I was under stress, but the level of emotional stress that I was under was relatively low. The "puppy-love" that I developed for the forbidden one only made things worse. The overall theme of my depression was the "I am not satisfied with anything" theme which I so eagerly adopted. Remember how I used to complain about Sarasota and desperately wanted to go to college in New York? In reality, I just missed him, and the image of New York is similar to the "big city" image of Chicago. The events that occurred with Chris laid the precedents for how I would act in my future amorous affairs (the sophomoric approach that I took in regards to the forbidden one). Very childish indeed... Anyway, there was a feeling of isolation, and the only way out was space--physical space, more like vastness. Tall buildings, and in my mind, a big city provided a sense of adventure. This adventure would take my mind off of things. But, alas, the city in which I live in is very small. Now, in regards to my family, and why I began to loathe them: The forbidden one's best friend is married into my family, and to me, his best friend is more or less an extension of him. I began to loathe my extended family because he was part of it. Not that I loathe him, but I loathe the idea that he was the forbidden one's confidant. By facing my fears (going out with the family) I was able to somewhat realize what was happening to me (I was depressed...hello), and finally realize that this is all very trivial. Finally, I began to focus my energies on Gothic Prince, whom I had been developing a fondness for for some time now. However, it was too late. Nonetheless, it was still beneficial, because it provided a balance. Now, I am here analyzing my depression, and I feel almost fully recovered. It will come back one day, but hopefully I will know how to handle it and detect it by that time.
I really hope that the above statement made sense. After all, I am desperately trying to find truths and explanations for the numerous occurrences in my life. Anyway, as you all know, I am still reading Oscar Wilde, and every time that I open the book, I cannot help but find some sort of a witty statement said by Sir Henry Wotton.
"You will always be loved, and you will always be in love with love. A grande passion is the privilege of people who have nothing to do. That is the one use of the idle classes of a country."
Once more, I cannot help but wholeheartedly agree with Sir Wotton. We truly are (at least I truly am) in love with love. Tell me, how can one properly, and coherently explain my "falling in love" after knowing someone after two days? Did I not love the forbidden one? Did my heart not wrench at the thought of his being far away? Did I not pepper this online diary with poetry--symbols of my unyielding and merciless anguish! Yet, four months later, I have forgotten this quaint Romeo and have returned to my true lover--myself. I wanted a fairy tale, and something which could awaken my dormant soul. After the winter came the spring, and I must admit that love is the most beautiful of all passions, simply because one is actually in love with a reflection of oneself. Were I my own lover, the days of absolute and imponderable bliss would be countless.
"My dear boy, the people who love only once in their lives are really the shallow people. What they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination. Faithfulness is to the emotional life what consistency is to the life of the intellect--simply a confession of failures."
Yes, how true! I knew that it was an abominable lie the day that I promised myself not to love again. Alas! We do not know our enemy! For we think it is the cruel and unforgiving fate, when in reality, we dig our own graves. We bury ourselves in such pain-drenched soil! At the end, the desire for a great passion is much too uncontrolable and not able to be ignored. May my heart shatter one hundred more times!