2004-01-06
A certain fondness....
In all honesty, I can say that today was certainly a wonderful day at school. All of my classes were quite pleasing, and I was extremely happy to find that they all contained a small number of students in them. Business class was very unique (of course, Ben is in there), but the best part about business is that the entire Law Academy was enrolled (we have all been at each other's throats for years now, but we really do enjoy our mutual company) sans Josh (I am jumping for joy--that arrogant bastard).
I was walking out of English class and talking to John about a drafting class that he is currently taking, and I begin to ask him about a CAD drawing program. All of a sudden I look up and there HE is! A streak of happiness ran through me, and I felt like the quintessential high school girl (an image which I have forever dreaded). At first he said something to John, but then he started walking with me, and I commented that his blonde hair made him look like Gackt. We probably walked together for about, a few seconds, and then I headed into my pre-calculus class. I kept thinking though, about my fondness for him. As a friend, I am deeply affectionate of him. However, that certainly does not imply that I discard any romantic notions of him and I--at the moment, I believe that such is what I want. Then, true to my pessimist nature, I begin to think of the reality of the current circumstances. The reality is that I cannot possibly have a meaningful relationship with him, despite the fact that that is my only wish. Not only that, but he's probably the first guy that I have actually felt this sort of genuine affection for (at my school). On the one hand, I can ask myself if this is what I really want: to deprive myself of temporary bliss.
TEMPORARY should be the key word here....
I don't want anything that is too temporary, and I can say with all certainty that my affections for him are capable of growing into something more substantial (given the required amount of time, of course). Thus, I might just have to be complacent with the friendship which him and I share. My affections for him may mold me into a better friend, and perhaps these feelings will not be reciprocated. Perhaps that is what scares me, or the fact that I will hurt him (as I probably already have; or even disappointed him in some way). The best thing that I can do right now is leave everything as it is...