2004-01-01
I'm sorry
Alright reader(s), there are some things that I need to clarify for all of you, because last night I had a very interesting and enlightening conversation.
Let me start off by saying that I am an imbecile--plain and simple. I will not pretend to be as noble as I wish to be--I am an imbecile. Every time that something does not end well in regards to a relationship with another human being, I tend to blame the other individual. According to me, it is never my fault, for I am always the victim, and completely overlook the atrocities that I have committed. By now, you must be antsy and wish me to get along with my story instead of insulting myself.
This is about Roger, well, mainly about Roger. It's not what you think though, I'm not going to write another one of those heartwrenching entries. I know that I cannot tell him this personally as I would wish, but I am sorry, and I was wrong about you. When he severed contact with me, it hurt very much--end of story. I was confused and angry because I didn't know the reasons behind it, in fact, I still don't know all of the reasons behind it, but I might have a clue now. Therefore, what do I usually do when I am this hurt? Well, I played the victim, called him a bastard, and I plastered the thought in my head that he only wanted sex. Those things are not true. Right now, I am convinced that while he did not love me or worship the ground I walk on, he was sincere in everything he did and said.
Last night, I was talking to my cousin's husband--Roger's best friend. He was telling me how he and my cousin met and what not. Everything was nice at first, and I was laughing at all their instances (her purposely leaving her cell phone at his work so she could go back and talk to him). It was quite funny, I assure you. Then he began telling me about all of the antagonism that he had to face from his friends, family, and co-workers for marrying her. Let me clarify something, this kid is half Italian and half Romanian; my cousin is not--she's Cuban. He told me how everyday he would have to hear
"Why are you marrying that Mexican? Oh! She's Cuban? What's the difference? They are all cockroaches!"
"Hispanic women are all prostitutes! That is the only thing they are good for!"
"Hey! What the hell do you think you are doing? Europeans don't mix with Cubans...we are the master race and the other minorities are the slaves."
He goes to say that even his own mother did that, even if she didn't express herself so harshly. Mostly, it was his friends, and he said that he lost friends because of that. Just because of that! Actually, he lost the majority of his friends, but guess who was the only person to say
"It doesn't matter, if you want to marry her, then do it. I'll be at your wedding."
Roger; he was the only person that actually stuck around. Now, I can explain why there weren't that many people sitting at the groom's table at the wedding, and why he only had two of his friends there. Seriously, only his mom, dad, two sisters, and two friends were there. The rest was the bride's family. This made me think, that Roger is one of those rare people in the world that is not inhibited by one-dimensionality or some level of bigotry. People usually say that if you want to know someone you look at their eyes. Well, when I spoke to Roger, I did look in his eyes. In those clear green eyes, I saw no evil, no hypocrasy, or no hate. Instead, I saw someone who does have a good heart, and who is sincere, and who does have a beautiful soul. Now I know why he stopped talking to me, because realized that I am capable of being one of those same racist fiends that ridiculed his best friend.
Now I ask myself: "What did his Polish parents think when he came home that afternoon from Florida with pictures of him and some colored girl in his bag?" I remember him e-mailing me and saying, "My dad says you are very pretty (from the pictures that he has seen)" I believe him, because I know that he wouldn't lie.
I just wonder, what did his friends think and say? Was it the same "Roger, what the fuck are you doing trying to pursue this Cuban girl? She's not Polish..."
The bottom line is, I'm sorry Roger, I really am. I am sorry that you and Antonio had to live in that kind of world. I am sorry that everyday you have to hear such venomous words. Now, I might think twice before making another racist comment.