2003-12-25
Depression
Ultimately, my heart aches beyond belief, for reasons that I do not wish to discuss. For the love of god, why can't I just be jaded already?
I went to WebMD.com and looked up depression in children and adolescents, and many of the signs were there. Recurring thoughts of suicide, headaches or body pains, loss of interest in everyday activities, general sadness, gain or loss of weight, loss of sleep--yes, even before I read all of this, I knew that I was depressed. Then I went on to read that depression occurs usually up to eight months at a time, and girls from 15-18 are twice as likely to become depressed as boys. There is also something very interesting that I read. Depression is caused by a chemical inbalance, which I suppose is something which occurs at birth (I am assuming), and usually one can start noticing early on in childhood whether or not that child is more prone to becoming depressed later on in their life. I have come to the conclusion that I am suffering from mild depression (because it ranges from mild to severe). I told my mother everything--my contemplating suicide, my hysterical sobbing while pacing the hallways--everything. When I first told her about the suicide, what resembled a frightened chuckle escaped her mouth. Then, I saw her eyes turn red and she began to sob. She held me very tightly, and told me that the next time I ever thought about suicide, to think of her, my father, and my sister. I wanted to tell her that I did think about all of them--that they were the first things that came into my mind, but I desperately wanted to die (I still want to die). I wanted to slit my veins until my face turned white from the loss of blood. I wanted it so that as each drop of red blood escaped my body, all of the pain and anger would go with it. She said that I needed to something to hold on to, and I told her I have nothing. I do not have faith, I do not have love--I have nothing. She says that I'm a shell now, because I am empty. I didn't mean to scare her, but something in me said that it was important that I reveal my torment.
Sometimes, I see myself, but it's as if I am not really here. I feel like I am observing everything from outside my own body. Today I went for a walk in the forest. For five minutes I felt genuinely happy. The morning breeze was crisp, and the trees were all around me. Everything was so beautiful, that I asked myself how I could ever have thought of leaving it all. I can't stand the fact that I can wake up to chirping birds and blissful thoughts one day, and then the next I am horribly depressed--I cry a lot, and for no reason. Why am I so unhappy? What happened to me? Maybe it was waiting to happen all along, like a timer it was just waiting for the right moment. Perhaps it is because I have come to the realization that I have no one--absolutely no one.
He told me he did like me by the way. He said that my sadism discouraged him. I confessed to him that I do like him, and that I always have. He responded with apathy. I deserve it, because my heart was in the wrong place, and it belonged to the wrong person at the time. He doesn't care anymore...