2003-12-13
Fucking pre-teens...
If you were to see my face right now, it would resemble that of a person who has just undergone some sort of shock treatment. Last night, my parents were watching this show on HBO, and I am noticing that it is becoming customary of one of the HBO Family channels to give short little documentaries on "pre-teen life", and thus, they were giving a show entitled--"Planet 12--The Secret Life of 12 year-olds"....
Let's see, how can I ever express myself to the extent with which I wish to concerning this dreadful show which gave me nightmares? Well, I will start off by telling you about it (warning: this may cause nightmares) They sent a camera crew to some particular middle school up north to document the social aspects of pre-teen life. There were the popular kids (I suppose that the queen of the popular kids was the narrator of the fucking show) and there were the "loners" or "dorks" as they call them. The popular kids ran around the hallway, played pranks, acted like miniature adults (I cannot fathom how they believe that their miniscule interactions with the opposite sex are considered actual relationships). There are many unforgettable quotes by the popular girls, but the two that I enjoy the most are these.
first quote was said in the mall (you know, those little flat twelve year olds slightly resembled the girls from Clueless, except that the twelve year olds have a fucked up fashion orientation--the horrors of mass-production) Ok, here it is, and it's not exact, but you'll get the feel of it: "Cargo pants are soo in...it's important to start your own styles, because you could, like, set your own trend. It's important to have good clothes, because then you will be popular. If you don't have good clothes, then you're not--that's really important. That's my philosophy..."
"I won't buy anymore tanktops because my sister promised me like, three of them..."
"He's just different from the other popular guys--he has a sense of humor (even though I didn't sense any in the documentary). And he has this little twinkle in his eyes that I absolutely love..." "Did I tell you about the boner? I sat on his lap and he got a boner" What the fuck? This is a fucking twelve-year old boy we are talking about here. I highly doubt that his penis has even reached its full size.
Then there were the loners. I was absolutely fascinated by this boy in particular who was overweight. He lived on a farm (He wasn't poor, it seemed like the farming business was pretty lucrative). What I was fascinated by was the fact that he would go into the woods with his dad to observe nature--a Thoreau at heart. This child understood nature, and life. He saw the beauty in things, and I could even go as far as to saying that he saw the "big picture", because he understood.
Now this lead me to do some thinking about myself and my behavior. I acted the same way in middle-school. I heard those popular girls talking, and it was a total flashback to those revolting middle school days of mine. I think that throughout those years I had my own personality, I never really changed into one of those obnoxious middle school children, I just posed. I knew what was right from wrong, and even during those years of transgression and intellectual suffering I was able to concoct my own philosophies. If I were to speak to my former self now, I would probably notice remnants of emerging thoughts of an idealist. I will never be able to forgive myself for how I acted--I prostituted my individualism (only for a while mind you, because I was quite the rebel at the beginning). I know that I must be going through one of my high school stages right now, or maybe this stage is just the Libet stage, or maybe it's a mixture of both. I am so melodramatic, one simply cannot tell. I vehemently deny being human, yet it is so obvious. I must cope with the fact that mediocre is what I am. I yearn to be different. I suppose that we all try to be, but it never works out. I could just shoot myself for my behavior at twelve years of age though--really.
I wonder if I am really different, and if I really am exceptionally mature for my age (as many people say). But that yearning to be different and seem older, is that not another characteristic of a high school girl? Personally, I'm not immature and hyper by nature, so because I can be deafeningly quiet at times, people tend to confuse that with mature. Well, it was not my intention to write such a lengthy blog, but sometimes one just realizes truths about life. I suppose that it was just my turn last night. I worry about my younger sister...I do have high hope for her.